Week One: Smile

Peace begins with a smile.

— Mother Theresa

Although this project came into being during the second week of January, I decided not to skip Week One for two reasons: to preserve my sense of continuity (and sanity!) and to give myself the chance to reflect a little bit about the holidays we’ve just endured. So, for the first of my 52 “ways”, I selected a list item that was easy enough, and yet so ubiquitous that I’ve been practicing it for as long as I can remember. The item in question appeared simply as “Smile” on two of my happiness lists, and as “Act Happy” on a third. Indeed, psychological research suggests that smiling can make an otherwise unhappy person begin to feel slightly better. However, one list didn’t leave it at that. In the small explanatory blurb, the author continued with the following: “…if you’re smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.”  

Let’s break this down simply (bear with me here, I’ll find the point eventually):

Premise one: Smiling can make a sad person feel slightly better (Fake it ‘till you Feel It)
Premise two: If you smile, you’ll make other people more comfortable.

Now I’ll say right now that I agree in the simplest form with both of these premises. Perhaps, however, the knot forming in my stomach as I consider the implications of “Act Happy” is not so surprising, as I write this fresh from the Christmas holidays; a time that is, to put it mildly, somewhat emotionally fraught. 

I consider myself to be a “bewildered empath”; I understand emotions but I am often confused by behaviour. I am very attuned to the moods of those around me and, perhaps to the frustration of all involved, I tend to read volumes into the smallest micro-expression. I discovered, for instance, that shortly after my mother died in the fall of 2004, a simple toothy smile could ease the look of desperation on my father’s face. Showing him that I was happy seemed to make him happy. Sometimes the smile was genuine, sometimes it was forced: fake it ‘till you feel it. 

In the years since, I have altered and adapted this strategy. What began as a reassuring glance has turned into an emotionally exhausting performance that, while considerate to those around me (close family and friends), has begun to slowly erode my sense of self. I stopped sharing my sadness. Outside of my own home, I stopped allowing myself to outwardly express anything but positive emotions. I stopped sharing the burden, because I thought that if I carried my own, my family would have less to lift; I would be one less thing to worry about. As it turns out, smiling through the pain is only beneficial if you have been honest about the pain in the first place, with yourself and others. 

I stopped sharing the burden, because I thought that if I carried my own, my family would have less to lift…

So what does all of this mean? Should I take the list literally and smile through the tears at whatever cost? I am unsure. Should I say “screw it” and publicly wallow in my misery? Probably not. Do I regret not sharing my true self with those closest to me? At this moment, on the morning of January 9th, I’ll allow for a tentative “yes”. Breaking a lifelong habit is difficult, if not outright traumatic. To let people in when they’ve always been kept out, to shatter the facade of uncomplicated happiness is a terrifying process that I know will leave me feeling afraid and vulnerable. But I believe that to experience true “capital ‘H’ Happiness” (the point of this whole adventure), I need to feel (and share) both the happy and the sad.

Sources

9 Things You Can Do to Be Happy in the Next 30 Minutes
Gretchen Rubin | @gretchenrubin | ( https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ ) on Real Simple
Psychologists Find Smiling Really Can Make People Happier
Science Daily