Week Nine: Read “Zen Habits”

The trouble is, you think you have time.

— Jack Kornfield

There is no other feeling quite like having your entire world changed by the pages of a book. For the briefest moment in time, your thoughts are bound with someone else’s; you feel their sadness and joy, triumph and defeat, as you walk an unfamiliar path along which you cannot return. Each book I have read has left an indelible spot on my mind; some the size of a pinprick, others remapping entire sections of my consciousness. This week, I was prepared to open my mind to the possibility of change, to move beyond the ephemeral joy of reading, and to bring back with me a piece of happiness. 

When I included this “happiness task” in my list, I assumed that “Zen Habits” was a book and I was excited about the prospect of letting someone into my mind to rewire my beliefs about happiness. In preparation for this week, when I looked for a copy of “Zen Habits” at my local library, I was surprised to find nothing. Maybe my library simply didn’t have it. I checked the websites of some local bookstores and still, I found nothing. Only after a quick internet search did I learn that “Zen Habits” was a blog created in 2007 by Leo Babauta. 

My first feeling was apprehension (and no, the irony of this does not escape me). I had momentarily believed that the wisdom contained in the pages of a printed book would, not could, would carry me along on a journey of enlightenment. Perhaps I thought that if the words were written by someone else then half the battle was over and I could simply let it wash over me, engaging with it as little or as much as I wished. I stared at the screen and thought this is a guy, writing things on the internet. No one gave him permission, no publisher vetted his content, why should I believe what he is telling me? I am ashamed to admit that it took me a full minute or two before it dawned on me that I, too, am a person writing things on the internet. If I really believe that the medium discredits the message, then what am I even doing? Then it hit me: this bias of “professional” or “legitimate” was probably the biggest thing that stopped me from writing. No one will take me seriously, everyone will question or tear apart what I have to say, people will roll their eyes at me. Perhaps part of this happiness journey is finally letting myself believe that none of that actually matters. The New Year hopeful version of me who wrote the very first sentences of this project suddenly seemed more self-aware than the version contemplating “Zen Habits”. 

“I started this journey because I’ve always wanted to write…something. I have pages and pages of half-finished thoughts, book ideas, and incomprehensible scribbles. So this year, as a sort of resolution, I have decided to join the masses and put my thoughts out there, on the internet, for anyone (someone?) to read.”

“How to Be Laura”, January 8, 2020

This week would not turn out the way I thought it would. “Zen Habits” wouldn’t give me the answers, book or not. Once again, I would have to do the hard work and continue to push the boulder up the hill. 

“Zen Habits”

As I began reading this week’s post on “Zen Habits”, it didn’t take me long to find the theme: time. Babauta describes our adversarial relationship with time by restating a common refrain: “There’s never enough. We’re always behind. It goes by too fast”. Yet, often when we get inside of our own heads and actually contemplate the meaning of time and its impossible vastness, we suddenly have too much time to contemplate our own mortality; the blessing and curse of our human consciousness. Time is a limitless resource that exists entirely outside our influence. We each have an individual allotment that we carry with us; seeking to prolong it, constantly turning it over and over in our minds. As we examine our piece of time, we reach out to connect it, tentatively or audaciously, to the wider world, to others, and into the vast, flowing narrative of the universe. 

Babauta doesn’t dive too deeply into the philosophy of time; instead, he focuses on our relationship with time as a resource. Time is infinite, but what we have access to is finite. We live our lives believing we don’t get enough, all while acting like we’ll somehow be given more. In one post, Babauta writes about seven Zen Habits: “ways” we can embody to better understand, experience, and “master” the time we do have. It’s not about productivity, it’s not about squeezing as much as you can into the hours in the day. It’s about being intentional, seeing time as a gift, and using time to shift how we feel about the world we inhabit.

Each day this week I focused on one of the seven Zen Habits, hoping that by reframing how I used my piece of time, I would see more clearly a space for Happiness.

Monday: “See the Gift in the Time that We Have”

Today we experienced an unseasonably warm and sunny day for the middle of February, so I decided to ride my bike into work for the first time since November. It usually takes me about 40 minutes to get there, making the trip longer than my usual public transit or carpool commute. I didn’t realise how much I missed it until I rode out of my driveway and started pedalling. As I moved my legs and felt the familiar ache of effort, a huge smile broke across my face. As I kept moving the smile grew, eventually erupting into a laugh. I felt pure joy.

When I bike, I leave my house at 7:30 am. This means that people who have to commute far to work are already long gone, and the people who don’t travel long distances haven’t left their driveways. The roads in a usually busy area aren’t busy, so I can ride unaccompanied and without stress. The streets are quiet and the sun, this time of year, is just rising. 

Babauta writes that “every day is a huge gift” and biking to work today reminded me of many other things I am grateful for. For safety reasons, I don’t wear headphones or listen to music when I bike on the roads, so I have the entire 40 minutes to myself to think. Over the years, I’ve discovered that some of my best ideas and most significant mental breakthroughs come during or immediately after intense, mind-clearing physical exercise (often in the steam room at the gym). My mind was sharp and engaged as I rode, and I found myself repeating things out loud so I wouldn’t forget them. I am grateful that my body lets me bike to work (very much uphill, I might add). I am grateful for the stillness of the university campus when I arrive, half an hour before everyone else. I am grateful for the flood of endorphins. I am grateful for my office door that I can close for a few minutes, as I slow my breathing and clear my head. I am grateful for the time it takes to bike to work and for how the joy of that time carries me through the day. 

Tuesday: “Use the Time Intentionally and Joyfully”

Overnight the temperature dropped and the snow fell, along with any hope of biking to work. My husband offered me a ride this morning and instead of getting on the bus, I took him up on it. The ride is only about ten minutes long, but it was really nice to spend that time with him. When we commute separately, we don’t get a lot of time to talk in the morning. We are both pretty groggy and we go our separate ways as we bumble around the house getting ready. I immediately go downstairs to prepare breakfast smoothies and pack our lunches while he showers. Then I shower while he’s getting ready and we leave separately; he drives and I walk across the street to catch the bus. When we left the house together this morning and got into the car, it felt really nice. We even sat in the parking lot for an extra few minutes when we arrived because there was a funny bit on the morning radio show he sometimes listens to. He asked if I wanted to stay and listen, so I did. It was really funny! We shared a laugh this morning and it was a wonderful way to start the day. We stepped out of our autopilot routine and intentionally spent some time together. 

Wednesday: “Be Honest About Your Priorities”

Time is a resource, but it is also a pretty convenient excuse when we don’t want to do something. Saying “no” is an important way to establish boundaries, but saying “I’m sorry, I don’t have time” isn’t completely honest. We all have the time and if something is truly important, we will make the time. The trick is to figure out what our priorities are. We need to be honest with ourselves so we can understand why we say yes, and when to say no.

This Zen Habit couldn’t have come on a more appropriate day. My calendar at work was packed, and I had a board meeting later in the evening. The hours in my day were almost completely accounted for, so something had to give. I had to think about what was really important to me. 

At 9 am I had a meeting to discuss a conference I had recently attended. I learned an incredible amount and I couldn’t wait to bring it back to the team. We talked about departmental and institutional priorities and made plans to bring more people into the conversation. I thought about what that would mean for me. Did I just give myself more work? I could have thought about it that way if I wasn’t interested in the outcome. Instead, I gave myself more time to do the work that really energises me. I made this new work a priority. 

I have always wanted to be in a book club and after several failed attempts at joining one, I bit the bullet and floated the idea by my department. I was overwhelmed by the positive response and I was really looking forward to our first meeting, which was set for today. We decided to meet once every month at lunch. I was initially worried that people wouldn’t want to give up their lunch hour, their guaranteed free and personal time. It turns out that I had nothing to worry about, because when we all wanted to do something, we made it a priority. We all brought food and talked about the book and it was absolutely amazing. 

I thought about all of the things I did today: work meetings, quick chats, emails, phone calls, book club, board meetings, and somehow finding time to eat a meal. I thought about what I did and I thought about what I didn’t do. I thought about what is important to me, because everything I do should align with at least one of my priorities. So what are they? I came up with the following list that I will write out and place somewhere prominently at home and at work to remind myself why I do the things I do, and when it’s okay to not make something a priority.  

• Learning
• Growing in my career
• Making a difference in my community
• Strengthening social connections
• Health and wellness
• Quality time with loved ones

Thursday: “Create Space In Your Day”

Armed with my newly defined priorities, I looked at my day with two minds: my present self, and Past Laura. My priorities have shifted greatly over the last decade, especially in the last couple of years. When I was younger I didn’t prioritize my mental health the way I do today. I had a stubborn “rub some dirt in it” attitude about dealing with grief and trauma, and I never gave myself time or space to feel anything but determination. I have also made managing chronic pain more of a priority, although like it or not, as I’ve gotten older it has become increasingly harder to ignore. Ageing is rough and I don’t bounce back as quickly as I did when I was 22. That, along with a pretty excellent health benefits package, has allowed me to explore avenues of paramedicine I had never considered. I manage pain with exercise, stretching and yoga, a massage therapist, physiotherapist, chiropractor, and osteopath. Hell, even my therapist helps me manage the mental impact of lifelong pain.  It sounds like a lot because it is a lot. At least once a week I have an after-work appointment with one or more of these many professionals. I had to intentionally make these things a priority and it wasn’t easy because admitting I need help has never come easy to me. Past Laura would grin and work through the pain (physical or emotional) and end up making things far worse in the long run. 

So what did I do today? I began my day by meeting with my supervisor to give her an update on my work and to talk about our priorities going forward. I was able to touch on “learning” and “growing in my career” during that hour-long meeting, and I walked away feeling a sense of accomplishment and anticipation. Later in the afternoon I left work early for an appointment with my therapist. I know that Old Laura would have put being at work before “health and wellness”, but I am glad that I made the time. (I did come into work early for two days to make up the time, but my point still stands!). The decision to make time to painfully unpack boxes is a hard one. It was intense, it was emotional, it was difficult, but it was important. I created the space.

Friday: “Don’t Let Things Get Familiar”

There is something eerily reassuring about routine. It gets you from A to B with little thought, allowing you to redirect a large portion of your mental faculties. In these instances when we shift our focus, where do we shift it to? Is that new place more important? Is it worth the energy? Is it even something you’re doing consciously? Babauta says that the sensation of time flying by is partly a result of just that: we let things get really familiar without even noticing. Sometimes I sit on the bus and zone out so much that I don’t even know where I am until we stop at the terminal. Where did I go during that time? What did I miss when I was on autopilot? Babauta asks us to consider how our perception of time would change if we stopped letting things get too familiar and looked at everything as if it was the first time we were seeing it. 

The irony of this is that Friday passed by without me realising it. I woke up with the intention of looking out the window more, paying attention to people as they walked by, and truly experiencing my surroundings. In some ways I succeeded. I walked part of the way home from work and during that time I did look around more. I tried not to focus as much on the destination; I took in the sights and smells and sounds. When I got home, I talked with my husband and spent time with him. We sat and talked about our days and planned for the weekend. It was a thoroughly ordinary day. Nothing (not even a meeting at work) was an experience I hadn’t had before. Noticing my routine, while not able to entirely break with it, was an unexpected experience. I was somehow looking at my life from outside of it, wondering if I should be doing something different. Not all days are going to feel new, especially as more of them pass. And that is also okay. I am a long way from getting caught in any ruts, but it’s worth thinking about how I spend my days and whether those little things, new or old, are still making me happy. For now? Yes. 

Saturday: “Imagine You’re Going to Die in a Year”

Okay, that’s a bit intense, right? Thinking about our own mortality is one of the hardest things about being human. At birth we are given an impossible problem with no solution and we are expected to move through life, be it long or short, all the while acting like we’re not constantly thinking about it. We have no way of knowing how much time we have; in truth, many people don’t get nearly enough, at least not as much as we want them to. For me, that is one of the most earth-shattering realities about death. Once someone is gone, their life now has a beginning and an end. Their existence is finite. Yet, what they did with their piece of time will continue to ripple out in the hearts and minds of others. They are gone but are not gone. They are finite but infinite. Now ask yourself: what if you died tomorrow? Did you accomplish what you set out to? Will your life have meaning? Impact? Who will remember you and for how long? Are you making the best use of your time?

Babauta says that when you look your mortality in the eye and realise that you only have the time you are given, time becomes vivid, slower, and more real. I thought about what I did today and if I would still do those things if I was about to die. I went to the gym, ran some errands, and cleaned the house. We ate dinner with my husband’s family and at some point we argued about something. I can’t remember what we argued about, but it reminded me of my personal philosophy about fighting: don’t go to bed angry because one of you may die in your sleep (or something to that effect). My husband thinks I’m crazy and perhaps he’s not entirely wrong. When you prolong a fight that one of you should have walked away from, you say things you don’t mean, the argument intensifies and morphs into something else, and you often lose sight of what’s important. On an intellectual level, I get this. Take a pause and regroup before making things worse. On an emotional level, I am never far from the thought that these could be the last words we say to each other. I don’t remember the last words my mother said to me, but I know they were words of love. While her death was sudden, it was expected. We had nothing to fight about and nothing to regret. If my husband and I fight and don’t make up before going to bed, one of us could die, and the other would have to live with the knowledge that the last words were words of anger. Even though I know we love each other, those words would eat away at me for the rest of my life. 

I probably won’t take this particular Zen Habit literally and become a thrill-seeking fatalist. I don’t think Babauta intended that, either. However, I will consider that I don’t know when my piece of time will run out and I will make every effort to spend my time more intentionally, doing the things I love with the people I love. Connections are what keep people alive long after their time runs out, so I will continue to cherish mine.

Sunday: “Savour and Be Fully Present to Slow Down Time”

Every Saturday and Sunday morning my husband and I ask each other what we’d like to do that day and what our goals are. After all, it is pretty easy to sleep in, lie around, and accidentally “waste” an entire day. We has this conversation this today, knowing that Sunday is a perfect day to relax and savour time. We watched soccer in bed like we usually do on the weekends, we read our books, and we enjoyed our coffee. We slowly ran errands, choosing to drive around a neighbourhood we were curious about on the way home from the grocery store. I went to the gym and instead of focusing on finishing and getting home, I took my time and enjoyed myself. At the end of the day, we sat down and finished a documentary that we had been watching and enjoyed each other’s company. Like Babauta writes, I enjoyed each moment like a treat to be savoured. Today, time didn’t pass me by, I enjoyed it one sip at a time.

Zen and the Art of Overthinking

I knew from the very beginning of this project that just because there were thousands of lists in the universe solving happiness with everything from “embrace forgiveness” to “buy a potted plant”, this would not be as simple as ticking a box. As the weeks go by (all 52 of them) I am giving myself more and more to think about. Some weeks will be easy and feel good; habits that bring a smile to my face. Other weeks will take work, will require unpacking some unhappy things, and will not be accomplished in seven days. I thought this week would be easy and that I could adopt someone else’s wisdom. My propensity to overthink never ceases to amaze me. The entirety of one “Zen Habits” post is exactly 1,057 words long. So far I have written an astounding 3,620 and have somehow opened a giant philosophical chasm of time and death. Within the insanity lies a simple truth about this project. What am I doing? I am intentionally using a big chunk of my time to answer the question of how to be happy. So far this adventure has taken me down some epic Carrollian rabbit holes, and it’s only March. I have no idea what’s at the bottom, aside from a perpetually late rabbit. I do know that there is joy and laughter. There are barriers, there are obstacles, and there is the ephemeral nature of Happiness itself. 

Sources

45 Things You Can Do to Get Happy No Matter Where You Are
Courtney Johnston | @CourtRJ | ( http://www.rulebreakersclub.com/) on Lifehack.org
Zen Habits Leo Babauta