How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.
— William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice
This week my “happiness task” was a mix of three things from a couple different lists: do a good deed, perform a random act of kindness, and save someone’s life. Sounds simple enough, right? I’ll just hop right into my firetruck…
Reminded of my non-existent qualifications as an emergency responder, I pulled up my original lists and re-read some of the instructions and suggestions. In her article for Real Simple, Gretchen Rubin tells readers to sign up to be an organ donor which, like the other eight things on her list, can apparently be accomplished in 30 minutes or less. I’ve been a registered organ donor since getting my driver’s license, so I decided to adapt her suggestion slightly. I intentionally selected this task for Week Four because my first blood donation of 2020 was scheduled for Friday. I have been donating blood since I was 17 years old, in every city I have ever lived in. For me, this is a simple act that I do without question; I would have donated with or without Week Four and my happiness project. So, I decided to challenge myself a little. I planned to do a good deed, perform a random act of kindness, or save a life every day this week.
I started out by looking for some inspiration on the internet. After a few minutes of searching, I realized that when I typed the phrase “random acts of kindness” or “good deeds”, most of the lists I found contained the words “easy” or “immediately” or “fast”. Rubin’s article, for example, is titled “9 Things You Can Do to Be Happy in the Next 30 Minutes”. Why is it imperative that a good deed must be easy to be worth taking the time to do? Will constraints of time or difficulty really prevent me from doing good? After all, isn’t it true that the right thing often isn’t the easy thing? Okay, I know I was expecting a lot from lists on the internet here, so why not look to some more scholarly sources. Doing a very quick search for the term “good deed” I found that almost every peer-reviewed paper had the same title format: “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Followed By the Actual Title of the Research”. This can only lead to one conclusion: people on the internet want an easy fix, and academics can’t resist a pun or aphorism.
Despite the internet silliness, I did manage to find some inspiration that I could bend to suit my own situation. I wrote up a list of seven “good deeds” and committed to one each day, with some unexpected results.
Monday: Write a Note to a Friend
Two friends and I were planning to go for a drink later in the evening and because I hadn’t seen them yet this year, I still had Christmas presents to give them. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to include a small card with each gift, listing the five things I loved about each of them. We were planning to meet after an appointment I had in my calendar, so I communicated several days prior that I couldn’t be involved in any last-minute planning, that I wouldn’t have my phone with me for the hour before we were supposed to meet, and that I would be happy to go wherever they wanted. I made a couple of suggestions and then I left them to it. When I picked up my phone again after my appointment, they still hadn’t decided on a place and they had shot down all of my suggestions. (This, of course, would be fine if they had offered any of their own.) After a couple of unanswered “what’s the plan?” texts, I started to drive home. Part way there, I got a three-way call through my car’s Bluetooth. One was still in pajamas, the other was sitting in a Wal-Mart parking lot, and they still hadn’t picked a place to go. Eventually, one of them decided to pick the other one up and head downtown, at which point they’d tell me where to meet them. Okay, fine, at least that’s part of a plan. I walked into my house a lot more irritated than I would have liked. Not only had I rushed from my appointment for no reason, I was now annoyed and I still had to write out the cards. Luckily I had decided on the five things earlier in the day, but I still wasn’t really in the mood to take the time and write them out. I took a deep breath and said to myself: no matter how annoyed I am, this process is really important to me and I am committed to it. I will follow through because the five things I planned to write about each of them are actually true, no matter how I feel at this exact moment.
Unsure of what to expect, I arrived at the restaurant. They were both happy to see me and my frustration instantly dissolved. We stayed for a couple of hours, trying strange cocktails and updating each other on our lives. It was a really nice night and by the time I gave them their gifts I had forgotten how annoyed I was. They were both really surprised and gave me huge hugs. The next day, I got a message from one of them. It was a picture of my card which she had framed and put on her wall. This “random act of kindness” will remind my friends why I love them, make them smile when they’re having a bad day, and hopefully pay it forward for the next time I drive them insane!
Tuesday: Bring Doughnuts
Today, I stopped by my favourite local doughnut shop after work on the way to the chiropractor. I was one of the last appointments of the day and the weather was pretty bleak, so I thought a box of doughnuts would cheer up the office. I handed them to the woman at reception and she seemed pleasantly surprised. She took them into the staff room and, after several excited murmurs, came out and scribbled something on a piece of paper. After the session I went back to the desk to pay and to schedule my next appointment. I handed her my card and she said “your treatment today is complimentary!” Confused, I asked why. She told me it was because of the doughnuts. I stood there with my mouth open and my card still in my hand; I did not expect a free treatment and I hadn’t planned on benefiting in any way by bringing the doughnuts. I got into my car and drove home with a big smile on my face.
I could leave it at that. I could move on to the next day feeling proud of myself for doing something nice. But I can’t honestly do that without reflecting on what happened in the half hour before delivering the doughnuts. I take public transit to and from work and I change buses down the street from the doughnut shop. After grabbing the doughnuts, I rushed to catch the next bus. I was walking quickly with my arms full of doughnuts, my work bag over my shoulder, and my bus pass in my hand when I ran into a local gentleman who lives on the street downtown. I used to see him every day when I worked nearby and every time he would be very sweet, telling everyone around him to “have a nice day”. I would buy him a coffee every so often, and I know that other people did the same. In fact, I heard someone once gave him a pair of shoes. Today he asked if I could spare a nickel. I couldn’t pull my wallet out of the bottom of my bag without putting everything down, taking off my gloves, and digging around for it. If I missed my bus, I would be late for my appointment. I lied and told him I didn’t have any change. He asked if I could spare a doughnut. I told him that I was really sorry and that they were for someone else. He said “that’s okay” and smiled at me. I told him I would bring him one the next time I saw him, I smiled at him, then I quickly walked away. I felt awful. I had set out to do a “good deed” and I was so focused that I completely missed an opportunity to help someone who was really in need. I took a minute to be brutally honest with myself. My failure is an important part of this story. I could pretend I did something nice and leave it at that, but that would whitewashing reality. The tragedy of homelessness isn’t real and I’m a good person because I supported a local business. I sat with those feelings for a few minutes and then I decided to make a plan. The next time I am downtown, I will ask that gentleman if I can buy him some food. I will ask him how his day has been, I will talk with him, I will ask him his name. I want to be deserving of his smile and I will do one small thing differently so he, too, can “have a nice day”.
My failure is an important part of this story.
Wednesday: Volunteer
I volunteer on the board of directors of a local organization that does work in children’s mental health. In December 2016, I made “join a local board” one of my New Year’s resolutions, and I have been serving on the board since the following spring. Despite my tenure, I am often a little hesitant to voice my opinion. My colleagues on the board are a very impressive group of professionals and I sometimes let my impostor syndrome get the better of me. Today, I decided that I would involve myself more because, while it may be uncomfortable for me, it is my responsibility as a director and I am proud of the organization, and of myself, for contributing to the community. So I spoke up, I spoke out, I showed encouragement, and I asked questions. I left that meeting feeling truly accomplished; like maybe they made a good decision appointing me as a director.
Thursday: Donate
Today would have been my Mum’s 61st birthday. Somehow every year, in the chaos of January, the day sneaks up on me. I get upset without warning or explanation, like my subconscious has figured it out before I do. For example, the night before, I was having an unrelated conversation with my husband and all of a sudden I started sobbing. He looked panicked and asked me what was wrong. In that moment I realized that the next day would have been my Mum’s birthday and because of cruel chance and unbeatable cancer, she wouldn’t be celebrating it with us. So today, I donated to the Canadian Cancer Society because my heart breaks for my Mum and the life she could have lived, and it breaks for everyone out there being affected by cancer today.
Friday: Save a Life
I was afraid this would happen. It makes me anxious every time, for the days leading up to my appointment. I take supplements, eat far too much steak, yet; somehow, my iron level was too low. This week was planned around donating blood. I had a chance to literally save a life, and my own body let me down. This is the second time in a row I have been unable to donate and I can’t express how disappointed I felt in myself. I left the clinic and called my husband, close to tears, and told him what had happened. Not only could I not donate today, I would have to wait 84 days until I was eligible again. He paused and then said, “okay, this is what we’re going to do. I am going to come after work and I’ll donate for you, if you’ll be there with me”. My heart exploded with gratitude.
To understand what a huge deal this is, you have to understand that in the eight years we have been together, I have been able to convince him to donate blood once. I have donated more than 30 times in the last thirteen years. He has driven me to countless appointments and encouraged me every single time. But my husband hates needles. He will actively avoid going to the doctor out of fear that they’ll ask for a blood sample. The prospect of sitting in a chair with a [huge] needle attached to him for 15 minutes makes him more than a little nauseous. When he offered to do this for me, to help me fulfill my goal, to save a life, I was stunned and grateful. Sure enough, later that day he came to the clinic, full of iron and nerves, and he donated. I sat at watched him with tears welling up in my eyes.
Friday, take two: A Truly Random Act of Kindness
I knew there was a risk that I’d have low iron. In the years I’ve been donating, it has happened at least half a dozen times. So I knew I had to develop a back-up “good deed”. I work at a university so I decided to take sticky notes, write words of encouragement on them, and put them on bathroom mirrors all across campus. I thought if I could make one person smile, then the lunch hour spent visiting every ladies’ room on campus, ducking into stalls to avoid being seen, and washing my hands literally 15 times would be worth it.
Saturday: Bring Flowers
On Friday, we drove two hours to spend the weekend in my hometown and visit my father and stepmother. We went for our annual Burns Night celebration, but the weekend was also an opportunity to finish my list. My good deed for today was to “bring someone flowers” which, much like my ill-fated blood donation, I had planned in advance. January 23rd would have been my Mum’s 61st birthday, so I wanted to visit the cemetery and bring her flowers. I also wanted to leave flowers for someone I didn’t know; someone who looked like they hadn’t had a visitor in a long time. After visiting with Mum, we were walking around the cemetery when I happened upon an older grave with four names etched into the stone. Next to each name was the age of the deceased: 14, 12, 7, and 2 years old. All four of these people who died on the same day, February 7, 1936, were the children of William and Alice Carpenter. Curious, we looked up the cemetery plot online and discovered that the four children died in a house fire. William and Alice, who were buried in the next plot, lived for another 30 years after losing their children, and died within months of each other. I decided to leave a small bunch of flowers for these children, whose parents were now gone, because I wanted to make sure that someone remembered them. I realised, standing there, that my Mum’s memory lives on in many people. She is loved, she is talked about, and she is remembered. For some of her neighbours, some neglected and forgotten graves, it may have been years since anyone said their names aloud. So I did. I stood there, in the middle of the cemetery, and read out the names of each of the four children and their parents, who died young and died tragically.
Walter Carpenter
Edna Carpenter
Jack Carpenter
Marion Carpenter
William Carpenter
Alice Carpenter
Sunday: Write a Thank-You Letter
While out getting flowers for the cemetery, I saw a small stone planter with a succulent growing inside it. The next day, I was planning to write a thank-you letter to someone who would least expect it; someone who has been going through a tough time lately. Work and family struggles are slowly threatening to form cracks in a normally sunny countenance. Despite our occasional differences, I love her and value her place in my life, so I wanted to write a note to say thank you. No matter what is going on, you are loved, you are valued. My initial instinct was to leave the planter and card somewhere it wouldn’t be found until long after we were gone. My perpetual fear of being misunderstood got the better of me, so we chose to hand it to her as we were preparing to leave so I could clear up any potential confusion. She was at first confused by the gesture and delighted by the planter. I couldn’t help watching her face as she opened and read the card; seeing her brow furrow with the combined effort of deciphering my hand-writing and discerning its meaning. In the end, I saw relief, surprise, and gratitude in equal measure when she reached out to give us both a hug. I probably wasn’t ready to unpack our struggles, but I think we were relieved, at least temporarily, to set them to one side and just acknowledge each other.
Do Good and Do Well
Week Four was longer and harder than I had anticipated from the outset. Looking back, I’m surprised I didn’t foresee the mess of boxes I was unwittingly about to unpack. I didn’t expect the impact of other people’s actions, I didn’t expect to struggle with grief, I didn’t expect poverty and homelessness to so directly confront my privilege, I didn’t expect my body to fail and my resolve to crumble. This week has reminded me that doing good can be easy, but more often than not, it is hard. Maybe the academics are right about good and punishment, but maybe it’s a little more complicated than your average aphorism. Did my “good deed” go unpunished? Perhaps not, if I am looking at the punishment that comes from within. Doing good and doing well go hand in hand; practicing both forces me to be vulnerable and to open myself up to the unexpected. They both also require a lot of work. Maybe on my way to happiness, I need to embrace my own aphorism: do good to be well.
Sources
101 Easy Ideas for Random Acts of Kindness Random Acts of Kindness.org
20 Good Deeds You Can Do Today Corey Harnish | Better World International
52 Good Deed Ideas to Make a Positive impact in 2016 Elana Goldberg | Goodnet.org
9 Things You Can Do to Be Happy in the Next 30 Minutes
Gretchen Rubin | @gretchenrubin | ( https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ ) on Real Simple
How to Be Happy 